Julia's Mexico City

Graduation

There are lots of college and high school graduation pictures on Facebook this month and then I watched the finale of Glee this morning -- all the seniors graduating and off to whatever their futures hold. I was surprised at how moved I was at the thought of graduation (not the show itself). I thought back to my Seabury Graduation and how empty the day felt hours after the ceremonies were done and all there was to do was help Kevin pack up his room and wait for the party to start in the evening. It mimicked a big yawning chasm to cross before leaving for college. That afternoon was just odd and sad and quiet as Kevin and Lissa and I tried to pretend we were still having a great time.

Graduating from LMU was a little bit like that, though not as a sad. There was a trip to europe coming up that would extend the celebration. Instead of not knowing what came next, I knew I had to get ready to go traveling for two months. That was super fun. (When I got back from that trip and felt totally at sea, well, that was a different feeling entirely.)

Graduations are the symbol for moving on, closing one chapter and opening another. Maybe I'm moved more by these pictures and tv shows this year because of Harper. One chapter of my life is closed (before children) and this amazing new part has opened. I am loving this new phase in life so much and I am so happy, truly. Yet there is some melancholy and a few tears as I say good bye to the former life and move into the future. It's not because I miss that former life, more that it ended and endings can be hard even when all you want to do is move forward.

The day came to finally fly to Los Angeles to start my freshman year of school at LMU. We were going to the airport and I was so sad to say good bye to my home on Maui. Yes, I would be back for Christmas in a few months, but I wouldn't live there any more, I would only be back for visits from then on. I felt panicky and terrified and had that "what am I doing???" moment. But I couldn't turn back, no way! I had been waiting so long for that day. But dang it was hard to say good-bye.

But once you say good-bye, there are so many amazing new hellos to say.

Hello Harper!

(I just wish Jen could have come along in my future.)

17 Years Ago I Got a Bunny

We miss the Bun very much.

Life With Harper At Eight Weeks

Only eight weeks?? It feels so much longer than that. But in a good way. She's already outgrown so many of her clothes, though this is not a surprise as she was a week late and over eight pounds at birth. Thank goodness for all the amazing hand-me-downs we got from everyone!

Harper is so alert now, looking right at you, smiling, chatting. She looks directly at toys and colorful things and spends a lot of time on her jungle play mat, wiggling and reaching out. I've seen her grab an object and pull it toward her two times now. Excellent developmental progress!

We are very lucky. Harper is a good sleeper (knock wood) giving us at least 5-6 hours in a row before waking up to eat again. Then she'll sleep for another 2 hours or so. I feel rested most of the time and I am soooooo grateful! During the day she eats fairly constantly and hasn't gotten into a regular rhythm of naps yet, but that will come in another two months or so. I am just taking things day by day.

I am also very lucky that Kurt works from home and is flexible, so I can get a break when I need it. Yesterday I went to run errands on my own (TJ's, etc) and loved being out and about. Next week I'm getting my hair done after about 4 months of neglect. That's going to feel good.

Twice this week I went out alone with Harper. The first trip was to Babies R Us for a few sundry items that were on major sale. (I've gotten quite used to buying from Amazon with my free "Amazon Mom" prime shipping. Getting stuff in 2 days without paying extra is awesome.) Today I went to a Baby Play class in Santa Monica at a place called Books and Cookies. I figured I have to start getting out and getting practise with Harper -- lugging the gear, getting in and out of the car, breastfeeding in strange places without all the pillows, etc. Learning new motor skills is always a challenge! I liked the class and it was nice to see other moms and babies out and about. Harper was the youngest in today's class, the next oldest was four months. I know the more I do it, the easier it will be and hopefully Harper will get used to all the comings and goings and be chill about it. So far she likes riding in the car, generally snoozing.

Our two month doctor check up is next week and I can't wait to find out how much she weighs and how tall she is. As for myself, I have lost all the baby weight and more. I gained 27 pounds and have now lost 32. No, I don't know how I did it! Breastfeeding really takes it out of you I guess. Again, very grateful!

We've had a good time these last eight weeks, and we've had very hard times. Saying good-bye to Bunny was just gut wrenching. We are still grieving her loss. She was such a good spirit and added so much richness to our lives. Sweet Bunny is already missed so much and will be forever.

As for life aside from Harper, I'm slowly building momentum back on my/our writing projects, having meetings here at the house with partners and emailing people about my feature script. While I am not able to jump right back to writing, I am moving other projects forward, small steps at a time every week. It feels good to do, reminding me there are things in the world other than diapers and feedings. (Sometimes it gets overwhelming!)

We are oh so lucky and I am grateful every day for all that we have and how amazing Harper is. Grandma Jane (this will not be her official "grandma name" - we'll have to see what Harper calls her) comes to visit soon and that will mean more outings with Harper, more practise and strengthening of other mommy muscles. I'm really looking forward to it!

366/2012: Day 31

Bunny came home today. So sad.

366/2012: Day 30

Lighting a candle for Bunny.

366/2012: Day 29

When you are sad, you can't help but feel better when you see this face.

366/2012: Day 28 Sad Sad Day

Today we had to say good-bye to our cat, Bunny, and we are so sad.

Here is her last morning in her favorite sunbeam.

Almost 17 years ago I went to the West LA Animal Shelter looking for an adult cat. There, in one of the little cages, was this little cat, curled up but alert. I asked to see her and hold her and found she had a goofy little face and no tail. (She's a rumpy manx, as it turns out.) She sat in my arms, not afraid, but not terriby pleased to be where she was. I knew she was for me and it turns out I could not have picked a better cat.

When Kurt and I got married, he had just said goodbye to his 18 year old cat, Wookie. Bunny took an instant like to Kurt and they became good friends. I'm so happy we had ten years together.

Bunny was almost 19. Practically unheard of in Manx cats. Right around when Harper came home, Bunny was not doing well. Turns out she was in kidney failure. We got her stabilized and worked every day to keep her healthy. She did well for a month, but took a turn for the worse this past week, the doctor thinks she had a stroke. She was still walking and eating with Kurt's help, but she was clearly not well. And she was not the Bunny we knew and loved. It's such a hard decision to make - when do you say good bye. We couldn't let her go like this any longer and today was the day.

We had a nice woman vet come to the house to put her to sleep. Kurt was feeding Harper and I held Bunny just as I did the first day I met her. First she was sedated and Kurt and I pet and pet her, telling her how much we loved her, then she got the final shot and in a few peaceful minutes she was gone.

I've been crying on and off all day. It's strange that having been through family deaths and even the birth of a child, this was one of the most grown up things I've ever done. There is something powerful about being a custodian to a gentle being that is dependent on you. You have to do right by them, even when it's the hardest decision.

She had a good long life and we will miss her so much. But we are so glad that there was a good month of her spending time with Harper. We know Harper got the Bunny blessing before Bunny moved on.

God we are going to miss Bunny.

Bittersweet Christmas Eve

Harper is wonderful. That is first and foremost. She is sweet and (OMG) has slept at least 6 hours in a row these past three nights. What a wonderful Christmas gift! I realized though, that we didn't buy her a darn thing. We'll have to find a nice ornament to mark her first Christmas. She is cute and wiggly and amazing which helps during these crazy first few weeks! But we are getting used to the new normal and enjoying so many of the little moments with her. The faces, the finger grabs, the gas.

How come no one told me how cute little baby farts are? Seriously cute.

But all this is tempered by our dear Bunny being on her last legs. It's been a roller coaster of vet visits and trying some different medications to at least make her feel better. She's 18 (almost 19) and has lived a wonderful long life. I've had her for almost 17 years and was so happy when Kurt and I got married that Bunny loved him as much as I did. So now we are watching her day to day, hoping we don't have to make that very tough call too soon. She could be here for a few more months or it could be a few days or a week or two. So hard to know. We don't want her to suffer so finding the right time to say good bye is a brutal decision. We've been blessed by such a wonderful little kitty spirit, no one wants her to go. Sad sad.

Then there is the usual missing of Jen at Christmas -- imagine what she would have bought for Harper! And Jack is gone too and I wish we could be on Maui with Mom.

So our little first Christmas with Harper is low key: poinsettia plant instead of a tree, a smattering of gifts for each other and Kurt's mom (who will join us tomorrow) and lots of kisses for Harper and Bunny. I've lit a few candles, including one that smells like a pine tree, and Kurt has poured us both a glass of wine.

I'm as grateful as ever for all that we have, especially now with Harper.

Merry Christmas all.

Harper and Bunny and Kurt

 

(Awesome "Stormpooper" hat was a gift from our friend Ron. Thanks again Ron!)

 

Death and Life

On Sunday, August 21, my stepdad of almost 30 years, died. Jack was 87. His health had been getting worse and worse over the last few years and especially in the last six months. His wish was to be at home at the end with no extraordinary measures to prolong life and that's how it happened. He died peacefully with my Mom at his side.

Jack was a very practical and low key kind of guy so he didn't want a funeral or a service.

I'm glad I was able to be here in June to visit and to come again this week to help my mom. Yesterday was especially touching as we went to the mortuary for one last visit and saw him before he was cremated. He looked just like Jack, though with a few bruises from a recent fall. Mom tucked a small package in with him that included his winter fuzzy house slippers, some cat nip and a cat toy from Belle (their cat), some notes and photos and of course, a few Red Hot candies. If you knew Jack, you knew about his love for Red Hots. Mom said her last good-byes and I said a quick one - It's always hard to say good-bye. Then we watched as they placed him in the crematorium and closed the doors and started it up.I am so grateful to have been there to witness it.

So long Jack. Everyone will miss you. Spreckelsville and Baby Beach will not be the same without you.

Also In April

April is also the anniversary month of my sister's death. The 17th to be exact, and it's been three years now. There was much love posted back and forth on facebook, but honestly I barely joined in. Didn't feel like it at all. Grace and I texted to each other a bit about other things, our conversation basically started with "Don't go on Facebook today!" The thing is, I feel like I talk about Jen all the time, especially with my mom and often with Grace so one particular day is not as important as any other.

In fact, the day before, at a party for Kurt's volleyball gang, I was chatting with two of his friends, talking about family and how my stepdad is getting older and isn't so well these days and helping my mom out with that. One of them asked "Are you an only child?" and I had to explain that I was now. (Yes, I have two other sisters but we have different moms so I am my mother's only [living] child now.) It didn't make me emotional to talk about it with the nice guys at the party. It's a fact that Jen died and sometimes just reciting the facts is easy. Don't get me wrong, I cry plenty about her and I always will, I can't just put it all on one day. (No one really does.) It's like going to the cemetary where she's buried -- something I never do. She's not actually there so why go?

Ooh I sound grouchy. Well, I guess I am. Still pissed off that my sister died. It sucks and it's unfair and it makes me sad and hurt and cranky.

There.

Excuse me, I have to go pet Bunny.