Still In Texas........
Advancement in Squirrel-Human Relations

Home Again, Briefly

I finally got home at 9pm last night.  I watched Top Chef on the tivo to wind down then slept like a rock until 6:30.  Oh, there was a moment when Bunny had to come and snuggle under the covers with me. 

Bunny is my prize for all the hard work I've been doing.  I feel like I need a medal or something, dealing and planning with Jen's funeral, working hard to help Dot get moved out.  I hear myself say that, like a pouty kid, wanting attention and appreciation.  I'm clutching at a reward because it will make me feel better.  But it really won't. I'm grasping at "feel better" straws all over the place, and keep slipping back to the bottom of the haystack. There is no real comfort. What did Cynthia say in her email yesterday?  Here it is:

I remember reading a book on grief that said our losses produce a great amount of energy and when we "deal" with the emotions "incorrectly" we store that energy inside of us. A healthy steam kettle releases energy gradually - a goofed up one explodes.

I let some steam go. I cried most of the way back on the plane yesterday.  I almost started in the taxi on the way to the airport.  Kurt and his mom had already left on their road trip and so it was just me at the house and as we backed away, I felt this transition deeply.  I have no idea about how Dot feels about it, she's not of our age of expressing emotions about these kinds of things.  And while I didn't have any real attachment to her house, just a few Christmas visits, the bigger idea of it all sank in.  I know it was enhanced by all the pain around Jen's transition too.  Jen's transition is also my transition, everyone's transition as we figure out how to live our lives from here on without her there.  

I've been wearing two Live Strong yellow bracelets for the last few months.  A friend of Kurt's who I had never met came over and saw them and asked "oh you have two bracelets on, do you know someone with cancer?"  I said "yes, I do.  Well, I knew someone with cancer."  It's a grey area these days with verb tenses.  I have a sister, Jennifer.  I had a sister, Jennifer.