Ch-Ch-Changes
Quotes From My Emails

I Don't Like It. I Can't Change it.

What is it about today that is so hard? What stars have aligned to throw us all into mini-tailspins? My mom is having a particularly hard day today, so is Grace and Peter. I had a dream this morning that I was with Jen and we were going to Matthew's school to give something to him that he forgot. I was really confused because I knew Jen was dead, so how could she be alive? I kept saying, "I don't get it, I saw you. You were dead, what are you doing here? How did you get here?" I started to think it must be an impostor, but why would someone do that? Jen didn't say much in the dream, basically making me figure it out for myself.

Which is what I have to do, though not actually "figure it out" because what is there to figure out? It's all be very clear and painful and hard. So Jen saying nothing in my dream made sense, there is nothing for her to say. I told Mom about the dream and she said "Wasn't it nice to see Jen?" But I couldn't quite say it was because it was so confusing--Jen is dead, but I was standing right there talking to her.

Losing my sister is really hard (no shit). But then watching all my other dearest loved ones going through so much pain is the iceberg on the cake. Mourning for myself is already so hard, but hearing my mom talk and cry about Jen just breaks my already broken heart into about a million more pieces. I want to go and comfort her and I want her to come and comfort me. We have comforted each other but really, when it comes down to it, it's actually impossible to provide actual comfort. Nothing is really comforting, it's all surface comforts.

Last night Kurt and I went out to dinner at a friends for a birthday and it was very nice, relaxing, lots of laughter. One of our friend's mom is here visiting and I've met her a few times before and she's nice. At one point she said, "I've heard you've had a hard time lately, with your sister. I'm sorry. This must be such a heavy time." Something about that word, "heavy" really hit home. It is a very true statement -- this is a heavy time. I had to say thanks and abruptly go to the kitchen.

Last weekend was mother's day and I was with my mother. Last night my step mom called while we were out, just checking in. It didn't hit till I heard her message that I had completely spaced about calling her on mother's day. Holy cow. Diane, I know you understand, but I am sorry!

And it's hot here. Too hot.

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