All this marching down nerd crush memory lane (and nerd crush follow up) has really got my gears turning about those teenage days and how memory works and what were we thinking back then. The posts coincided with an email chat I've been having with a friend from high school. She and I have been playing Scrabulous on Facebook and emailing about who we found from our class and how sending "friend requests" to certain people sent us shooting back to feeling like we were 16 again and all that angst--will I be accepted by this person?!?! And we both realized how insane it is that we could still get caught up in all that baloney. (We have since snapped out of it.)
While I was going through old photos for those previous posts, I found a picture of she and I and immediately had to scan it and send it to her. She posted it on Facebook and we emailed/commented back and forth, trying to figure out what we were doing in the photo -- some skit night or something. Then she said:
"I used to try to suck in my cheeks in photos cause I thought my face looked fat when I smiled!"
I responded with:
"I used to think I was SO FAT in high school. I always thought of myself as the "Fat Friend" to (another friend of ours at the time)."
Then she wrote back:
"That's hilarious...I thought of myself as the "Fat Friend" to YOU!!!"
You could have knocked me over with a feather. She thought that about herself in regard to me? Crazy.
How did we have such low self esteem? I look at my pictures from back then and think -- dang! I was pretty cute! What was I thinking? (Seriously, look how cute I was!) I'm working now to weigh what I weighed then. And I thought I was "fat." Sheesh.
I asked my friend how we could have been so dumb and so smart at the same time. I know my physical self esteem was not great in high school, but I felt pretty dang good about where I was going and how I was going to get there. I am one of the few people you will meet who will tell you that I loved high school. Even with all the above described nonsense, I really look back so fondly at my Seabury days. But I also knew it wasn't the be-all end-all that many others took it for. I knew there was so much more waiting for me.
You saw Shana's 1982 crush list from her journal. I had cropped it for the crush blog post, but the top half of the journal entry is even more awesome, I think.
She had made up her mind to go into movies and television in 1982. (It took me until 1984). I love that she wrote "I don't know it just turns me on." If you've read any "what to do with your life" books like I have, you know this very simple statement is the key to it all. And what does Shana do now? She works in movies and television and creates beautiful images as a Director of Photography.
It blows my mind that at a time when we were all feeling so unattractive (and we were so wrong) we could also have been tuning in to what was really going to turn us on later in life and then made plans to make it happen.