Yesterday I really missed Jen. For the first time since she died I felt her absence so clearly. Up till now my feelings have been just this staggering disbelief that she's actually dead, the shock of it all. Yesterday I wanted to vent about something and she would have been the person I called. We had this kind of phone call all the time. One of us would call and say, "I'm really mad/upset/annoyed, can I just vent?" and the other would say of course and then the venting would begin. Trivial things, not so trivial things, whatever. But yesterday it took me a while to figure out who I could call and there was no easy answer to that. I stumbled about telling my vent to Kurt and another friend who happened to call, but it was not so satisfying. I either talked or emailed or ichatted with Jen almost every day. Sometimes it could be annoying (as sisters can be, no matter what!) but she was always there for me and I was always there for her. And somehow yesterday that black hole of missing her opened up wide in front of me, suddenly, and it sucked some of the life out of me. And yet I still wake up and blog and go for a walk and go to work and live.