Just can't get super christmas-y this year. December is the worst month, really. Jen's birthday AND Christmas. We are supposed to be full of joy and etc. There is some joy here and there, but it's covered with the heavy blanket of grief. I haven't heard too much christmas music yet. I got put on hold the other day and the music playing was Nat King Cole singing something Christmas-y. It was a bit of a shock, like it felt way too early to actually be Christmas. The weather is too warm and dry. My job keeps me to busy to focus on the holidays. We aren't doing lights or a tree as we will be out of town. And Jen only died a few days ago.
Wait, I mean almost 8 months ago.
No Christmas cards this year. I just can't bring myself to even consider it. I can only put on so much of a poker face at work and with friends. I might drop a note here and there to those who I only write to at Christmas but that's about it.
Kurt and I were planning Christmas stuff, what to buy for family members, travel plans, etc. He seemed surprised that I wasn't more excited as Christmas is one of my favorite things. I explained that it's a fucked up Christmas this year. He was shocked by my answer and then I realized that he may have forgotten for a moment what had happened because he asked "why?" Because my sister is dead. It's okay, I'm glad he doesn't know how this feels, I don't want anyone to have to know how this feels. It sucks,to put it most ridiculously mildly. Other people move on and forget. It makes sense. No one wants to think about how it might feel if their sister (or brother or mother or father or son or daughter) died. No one.
I remember once being with Jen when we were much younger, I was probably in college and Grace might not have been born yet. We were driving through a shopping mall, maybe Stanford, and talking about life. I think we were both getting to that age where you don't feel so immortal, or at least you start to think about your parents not being immortal. We were talking about what it might be like when mom dies, way way way in the future. I think we both realized if we kept talking about it, we would get choked up and so we changed the subject.
It's just too much to think about.
So I don't get mad that people don't remember what I've been through, I don't want them to. All I want to do is apologize to my friends who have lost family members over the years. I want to apologize for being insensitive and for moving on and not letting you know that I think about you often and wish you didn't have to go through what you went through and what you are going through, even years later, what you will go through for the rest of your lives as you adjust to that family member not being there. It sucks. I'm with you and I'm sorry I couldn't have been there more for you.