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La Vita E Bella

86160-250 In the midst of grieving, there is somehow still so much joy. It's almost shocking. 

Next Friday (the 17th) will be one year since Jen died. We've done all the birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries and it was hard. They will be bittersweet forever. And we are still here, we are still living and moving forward into life. 

I cry all the time about Jen. I'm crying while I write this. I miss her all the time. I was really upset about something last week and I really had to struggle to decide who to call instead. I didn't want to bother anyone, interrupt anyone at work, make anyone feel like they had to stop what they were doing for me. With Jen all that was automatic. It was so rare that either of us couldn't stop to help or just listen to the other when upsetting things came up. That is a big hole in my heart.

And yet, in the last few months, there has been so much joy, so much fun, so much to spark my imagination and excitement about the future. Little things, big things, things I didn't expect to feel so good about. I smile (almost) all the time, I am feeling buoyant and free. There are fun events to plan and attend. We are getting a huge tax refund (NICE), our road trip starts on the 18th, the job I'm working on is really good, nice people to work with and the hours are awesome. (10-5:30) I've been blogging and writing a ton and have so much more to write and share.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I've always been sunny and optimistic. Even in the darkest of days of the past year, I knew I would come out of it, I knew there would be sunshine and blue skies again. I've had so much love and support over the year and I have also really paid attention to what I need and have taken very good care of myself. (Though now it's time to get that comfort eating weight off.) 

Being strong gets you through a lot and oh, I can be mighty. But I'm amazed at the structure I have in my life, whether I'm working a job or not, that has allowed me to move forward in the grief. There were and are times when I have to close my office door and cry if I've read an email or blog post that triggers the grief. (Grateful to have an office with a door.) But I guess it comes down to the fact that I'm a doer. I carry on. I move, keep going, proceed. I'm going to be sad no matter what I do, so why not move forward. And in that forward motion, there is joy.

Life is beautiful.