I took one of those silly Facebook quizzes recently and one of the questions was "how do you see yourself" and the answers were Strong, Playful, Loyal, Giving, etc etc. I answered "Strong." The next question was "how do others see you" with the same list of answers. I thought a bit and answered "Strong" again.
The amount of emotional pressure one person can take without breaking is amazing. And I'm one of those people, but some days I want to just run away. Yesterday was one of those days. The morning started out with tough, intense conversations with my brother-in-law and then later my niece. I had to close my office door and use up a bunch of kleenex. Those conversations weighed heavy on me all day, and they still do. I'm a problem solver and I have no idea how to solve those problems. I also have to remember that it's not really up to me to solve these problems. Of course the biggest problem is that my sister is dead. That one is unsolvable. Fack.
Last night we went to a party at a friend's house who's husband just got his PhD. We have not been in that group of friends and acquaintances in at least three or four years. So it didn't dawn on me until we were getting ready to go to their house that there was the possibility of having to talk about my sister having died. Luckily no one asked about her specifically but everyone I saw did ask "It's been so long since I've seen you, what have you been doing these past few years?" Uuuhhhhhhh. "Just working, doing some blogging, writing, working in FX." Never was there a more heavy unspoken sentence. The party was fine, it was just very very very heavy on my heart. Still is. I don't even know if the friend who invited us knows about my sister. And they had met many times.
So, I'm strong. Great.
I have to remember to take care of myself as best I can. One way I'll have to be doing that is to get a night guard from my dentist. I can tell I've been grinding my teeth A LOT lately. My jaw is sore in the mornings and I find I have to consciously relax it during the days at work.
Another way to take care of myself is to have a lot of fun and to keep doing the things I love to do. And today is going to be full of fun at Hot Dog Death March.