You've noticed it's been quiet around this blog. There have been a few miscellaneous posts here and there through December but not much. I wasn't that busy, really, I was just distracted and in a new place because I was pregnant.
Nobody knew except my mom. I was about 2 1/2 months along and had a miscarriage the week before Christmas. So if we saw you or talked to you in these last two weeks and you are now wondering why we didn't say anything, speaking for myself, it was kinda awkward. "Merry Christmas! I had a miscarriage!" Yeah. Not so much.
Needless to say Christmas was not very merry this year for me. Physically I came through just fine. I didn't have to go to the emergency room or have any emergency procedures, thank goodness. My body took care of it all in a straightforward manner. As I said to my doctor in a moment of gallows humor, "I'm an overachiever like that."
We saw the heartbeat in an ultrasound, but it barely felt real as I hardly felt different. I was occasionally queasy, but very mildly. The only big difference were that my boobs got bigger. Just what I need. Oh and I was much more emotional about everything. Kurt was wondering how I could tell the difference. Ha!
My body is recovered, my heart, however, is still mending. It was a huge surprise that we got pregnant to begin with. I mean, we have been going at it the old fashioned way for the last year and a half and the biology finally kicked in I guess.
And let me just stop you right here if you are thinking "See, you make plans to adopt and then you'll get pregnant." No. The biology just happened to work briefly this time, though not for long. Just want to clear that up.
It took months last year to overcome feeling "barren." I got thrown right back into that emotional pool again these last two weeks. Feeling like a failure. It will take time to climb out of that place, but climb I will.
Yes, we could still get pregnant again. And yes, I could miscarry again and I'll think about that a lot. I'm going to be 44 this month, after all. If we do get pregnant again and all goes well, you probably won't hear about it until I'm in labor. There are no certainties in life.
We are doing okay and looking very much forward to 2011. We know there is a baby coming for us somehow and we are really looking forward to it.